Ask Amy: Sad my niece never stopped to say hello during a road trip
Dear Amy: I have twin nieces who are 29. We have always been close. Their dad (my brother) is an alcoholic known to draw unwanted attention to himself. So you can imagine being teenagers and dealing with this challenge and embarrassment.
I am the “gunkle” (gay uncle) who has always been their biggest cheerleader, helped financially for their education, the person they often came to for advice, etc. We are super close, although we have always lived in different cities and now see each other only a couple of times a year. Last weekend, one of my nieces, who has mentioned that I am one of the most important people in their life, attended a concert in another state.
Her husband and I have our own (poor) opinions of one another. I have actively tried to repair the relationship but have not had any response from him. Anyway, to get to this concert, they had to drive within a mile from my home, both coming and going. She did not visit or let me know they would be nearby. The only reason I know she attended was by her social media posts. I am hurt.
Advertisement
The trip was for a music festival, so it is not like they could not have driven 10 blocks out of the way and said a quick hello. I just feel a bit disrespected and disappointed in her. She and her sister are the closest to daughters I will ever have. How should I react? Am I expecting too much?
— Gunkle
Gunkle: You are not expecting too much. Here is the transparently frank response: “I was so disappointed to see on Instagram you and Brad went to Lollapalooza, driving within a mile of my house! It really hurt my feelings you never even slowed down for a quick hello.” Your niece might react to your honesty with embarrassment, perhaps a sheepish apology or lame explanation, and by clicking “hide” on her social media account, hence removing the trigger to your hurt feelings.
There is another way to respond, not thoroughly honest, but a little lighter, brighter and on brand for the devoted “gunkle” you have established yourself to be. So you might send her an email or a text: “I saw on Instagram that you went to Lollapalooza, and if you drove, you would have passed very near my house. I hope you know that you are always welcome to stop in, even briefly or at the last minute. I would love to have seen you!”
Advertisement
Dear Amy: My daughter is moving nearby with her husband and 8-month-old son. She has a flexible job and works from an office in her home, and she has asked me to watch my grandson two afternoons a week. (I am retired.)
I love my daughter. She is a wonderful human being, but she can get under my skin like no one else. She has a way of saying mean comments (“He is MY baby!”) or just being thoughtless. (She rarely expresses gratitude for gifts or favors.)
I am highly sensitive, and when I am feeling confident, her behavior does not grate as much, but when I am not feeling confident, it is hard to take. I worry babysitting will strain our relationship, with all of the pitfalls involved (mainly criticism from her). Should I address the issue or just buck up and be a strong grandma?
— Clueless in Carolina
Advertisement
Clueless in Carolina: You should address it in advance, and buck up and be a strong grandma. You never say whether you actually want to take this on, but if you do, then you should establish some clear parameters. You might choose to watch him in your home instead of hers. She would bring him to you, and you would bring him back at a designated time. This removes you from her direct scrutiny.
Talk this through in advance, and let her know that you will try this for two or three months, and that if it does not work out for either of you, she can make another arrangement with no hard feelings (the “strong grandma” part).
Dear Amy: This is not about disagreeing with you, but I am wondering why you chose not to address forgiveness with the gentleman who served in Vietnam, “The Older Brother,” while his brother-in-law did not. I have learned that all real change begins within.
Jim: I completely agree about forgiveness, but my assumption was that the writer had already forgiven his brother-in-law, because he was now trying to build a relationship.
© 2023 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.
ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7uK3SoaCnn6Sku7G70q1lnKedZK6lwsicnGhqYGeAcHyXaGhpZ5GouG6tzLJkp6GVmLJuvs6am2asop69bsHNnKOeZw%3D%3D